Today I want to talk to you about a part of myself. You see, I'm gay- if you hadn't figured that already.
Now Webster defines Homosexuality as "of or having desire for those of the same sex."
Society has defined us by our sexual desires, by what we do in bed. I've never been comfortable being defined by something so narrow. I can think of dozens of things that take up more of my time than sex- sleeping, eating, playing, debating philosophy w
ith other UUs, probably even brushing my teeth.
I like the way an older member of our church defines a homosexual. He says that it means not simply a person who has sex with someone of the same gender, but rather that being gay means a person who in their life if they are to experience fulfillment in
a relationship with another person- emotionally, physically and spiritually- then that person would be of the same gender. This definition not only takes into account that homosexual relationships can be much deeper than just physical, but also takes int
o account people who for one reason or another are not physically involved with members of the same sex, but if they where to ever find fulfillment in a relationship, it would be with a member of the same sex.
Many people who are gay in our society may be able to admit it to themselves or others, and may never find this fulfillment in their lives that most people take for granted. It is very hard in our society to be open about being gay- to yourself, your fam
ily and friends, or to the public. Accepting to yourself who you are,
sharing this with others and finally feeling pride about yourself is a process we call "coming out". Coming out is a phrase than has many levels of meaning. It is a phrase that will usually bring up powerful emotions in most gay people as they recount ho
w the process has shaped their lives. We all have "coming out" stories to tell, many of them can be
heartbreaking. Coming out is a process that has many steps. The first
step is coming out to yourself. Realizing in your own heart and mind that you are different than most everyone else.
"Throughout most of the history of western civilization, gay men and lesbians have been thought of as embodiments of evil,
creatures of darkness. We have been exiled, excluded, burned at the stake, mutilated, bashed and murdered in attempts to
eliminate us from the species. Life images that shape us in our society are shown exclusively in heterosexual terms. In the process of shaping these images in heterosexual terms, our society has nearly eradicated the gay shamans or wise people of ancien
t cultures, the acceptable same-gender pairings of greco-roman societies"(1), and virtually any other positive gay and lesbian role models.
In today's society, gay men are likely to portrayed as effeminate pansies or perverts and lesbians as swaggering bull dykes
who just haven't met the right man yet to put them in their place. When gay people confront their sexuality, usually at a
young age- sometimes much later, often all they have to relate their sexuality to is these ugly caricatures. One man wrote
that growing up that he "always thought of homosexuals as old men who walked poodles on rhinestone leaches and wore make-up."
(2)
It is hard to think of yourself to be gay when you think of these stereotypes and know that they don't apply to you.
Admitting to yourself that you are gay also means letting go of the dreams and plans that society tells you that you must
have: a wife and 2.3 kids, a house with a white picket fence. Events like "playing house" as a child and attending prom as a teen as well as adult events like weddings reinforce the dream of a heterosexual family in us. All around us the images glorify
ing the heterosexual norm abound. Every kiss on T.V., every billboard we see with happy couples, every dance in high school and couples we see in public are all heterosexual.
It is because of all this pressure that most gay people will try to deny their feelings. It takes a lot of energy to deny
your feelings and it can be costly. Many people will turn to self destructive behavior, like drugs and alcohol, in an
attempt to numb themselves against the pain. Working this hard to conceal your thoughts and feelings is called "being in the
closet" and it is a lonely place to be, even if you stay there to survive. Many gay people never make it past acknowledging themselves as gay. They may remain celebrate throughout their lives or they may cave in to society's and live a life that is not
natural to them. Lives that are unfulfilled emotionally, physically and spiritually. Or they stop living. According to the U.S. Department of
Health and Human Services, almost half of teenage suicides are gay and lesbian youth who could not cope.
If you can come to terms with your effectional orientation, the next step to "coming out" usually involves coming out to some
close friend or family member. Often gay people will make hints or bring up the subject with a person to "test the waters"
and see if they can feel comfortable with talking about their orientation with that person without being denigrated for being
gay. Often we seek out people who exhibit some outward signs of being accepting- like maybe another openly gay person or maybe the minister of a church which is openly supportive of gay people. Recently, support lines and support groups for lesbian and
gay youth have been created in many cities. They often provide a place that young people can talk to others about their feelings without being judged and be given positive gay and lesbian role models to look up to. I worked for many years with a gay &
lesbian youth support group which was sponsored by the local UU church. (3) It helped many people come to terms with who they are- by meeting others who where normal people, just like themselves and helped build a feeling of pride that they had never ha
d before. They had a support network for the difficult stages of coming out that lied ahead for them.
For many
I saw the results of this loss of family acceptance first hand while working with the gay and lesbian support group. One
example was a fifteen-year-old who, when his parents found out he was gay, was thrown out of his house. With no other place
to go, he asked some friends- a couple aged nineteen and twenty- if he could stay with them. Meanwhile his parents had reported him as a runaway and later tried to get the two young men who kept their child from sleeping on the streets charged with a cri
me for their act of charity. This is one example of how devastating having unaccepting parents find out about your orientation before you are over 18 and they are legally in control of your life.
Another example was a lesbian couple who attended meetings, both aged sixteen, who found their lives torn apart when their
parents found out about the relationship. One was moved to another school and each was kept from ever seeing the other. It was the most traumatic experience they had experienced in their lives because they truly did love each other.
Parents can also become physically abusive. An eighteen-year-old group member who was living on his own related at a meeting
a day that he went back to his families home to leave Christmas presents on the front porch. He wanted to leave them for his
mother and younger siblings and waited until a time when he was pretty sure they would all be gone so as to avoid his
father. His family arrived home while he was still there, however, and his father destroyed the presents and brutally beat
him, calling him a "faggot" while the rest of his family watched.
Parents can be verbally abusive as well, sometimes without even realizing. One seventeen-year-old called our gay youth support line one night sounding very upset. His father, whom he described as "General Patton", had commented while watching a news rep
ort about gays that if he had a faggot son, he'd rather have him dead. He almost got his wish. While he was talking to me, I heard a sound in the background I couldn't identify; they sounded metallic. I suddenly realized what it was and shouted, "put i
t down, put it down right now!" He had been loading his father's revolver, without really realizing what he was doing.
Beyond coming out to family, many people have decided to be open to co-workers and friends- who will react in different
ways. People in many professions, such as teaching, the clergy, the military and many others must be very careful in deciding who they can confide their orientation because, except in a few cities, no laws exist protecting gays and lesbians from job disc
rimination. We can be fired from our jobs for no reason other than our orientation and there's not a damn thing we can do about it.
So coming out becomes a continual process. Every person you meet will generally assume you are straight unless you, pardon
the pun, set them straight on the matter. You must weight out the benefits and liabilities with each person, never knowing
how they will take it or what damage you might incur from the encounter. In my life, I've made the decision to be very open. I just saved the trouble of having to come out to people individually by appearing on a national talk show and coming out to the
whole country at once. But it took a long time for me to feel comfortable enough with myself to do that. Coming out for me wasn't horribly easy.
I come from a Southern-Baptist/Catholic background. Guilt and Hell and Damnation. My mother was from a very rural area in Canada were, in her words, "We had never even heard of such a thing." My father was very bigoted: black, gay or Jewish; we heard a
ll the jokes and hateful language.
I can remember at age twelve, our family going to an Anita Bryant concert. People were protesting outside. Anita talked about praying for those "homosexuals" outside. When I asked what "homosexual" meant I was just told that they were bad people who we
re going to hell.
As a teen I was called "precocious". I worked as a volunteer at a local Science Museum near where I lived in South Florida.
I had a lot of time and energy to spare as I wasn't spending it chasing girls like most of the boys my age where. I figured that sooner or later I would become interested in girls. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't.
While working at the Museum, I became close friends with a lot of the other teens that worked there. There was one person I felt different about, though. I felt...closer. I couldn't really explain how I felt. We were inseparable during my Sophomore an
d Junior years. During my Junior year, my family moved to Virginia. I missed all my friends, but I missed John more than anyone else. As my father worked for an airline, I was able to fly to Florida quite often to visit. I spent most of the summer bet
ween my Junior and Senior year at John's house. That's when we became "more than just friends." I was very confused- happy, upset, all sorts of things at once. I didn't understand what was going on or why. I just knew that I was very happy when I was
with him. On the way to the airport to go back home, I told him we needed to go back to being just friends. He had to fight very hard to keep from crying. Actually so did I.
After I got home I did a lot of thinking about how our relationship had changed over the summer. I went to the library to read books on the "subject" in dark corners, careful to have other books to throw on top if someone came near.
A couple of weeks later, John was visiting at my house. I remember waking up with him in my arms. He looked me in the eye and said, "so much for the just being friends stuff." We both laughed. It was the first time I ever told someone I loved them. I
t was also the first time I could admit to myself who I was.
Oh, eventually our parents found out what they had suspected for a while. John's mom was pretty cool, but my parents- let's just say it was hell, basically. My mother cried for a whole week. My dad, who was always sort of distant, treated me like a
ghost; like I no longer existed. They wanted me to go to a psychiatrist to be "fixed". They had people "pray" for me. And if John ever set foot in the house, he was going to be "thrown out a window." This from my gentle little mother.
I moved to Florida to be with John as soon as I graduated high school. We lived together until we were about twenty one. People who had so much in common as teens had grown apart. He saw it. I didn't. I was crushed when he told me he wanted to break
up.
My parents told me I could move back with in them after the breakup. I thought that they might be lightening up a little. As it turns out, they thought that now that the "man who made me gay" was out of my life I'd "revert" back to normality. I couldn'
t talk to them about how I felt, about the pain I felt. They put a wall between us that became wider over the years. The final straw was at my mother's funeral. I arrived with Matthew, the man I was dating at the time. My father started yelling at me
in front of the whole family. "He will not sit here with the family!" I said that he was going to sit next to me. I ended up having to sit in the back pew with Matt. I never have forgiven him for what he did that day.
You think of your family like a rock or a firm anchor in your life. You know that they will always be there for you and always love you no matter what. When my parents found out, that firm rock vanished like mist. I was like a ghost in my house. I cou
ldn't talk about anything happening in my life. They kept "praying for a miracle". They kept throwing girls at me. And I just wanted to shout, [Bang on pulpit for dramatic effect] "DAMMIT, DON'T YOU GET IT! THIS IS WHO I AM- WHO I'LL ALWAYS BE. DON'T
YOU THINK I WOULD HAVE CHANGED IF I COULD!"
When I came out publicly, like to the entire country, the already strained family ties were severed completely. After my mother died, my father told me he didn't want me around because of how it might look to anyone he might want to date. I moved away f
rom Norfolk. Now, I don't get birthday cards, invitations to family events or cards at Christmas. It is as if I no longer exist.
It is hard having a family but knowing that you are no longer welcome to be a part of it.
I got to attend S.W.I.M.(5) this year, that's a UU institute in Florida held the week after Christmas. They let me work in
the kitchen to pay my tuition. The Young Adults usually have their own activities at such events. At the Circle we held the first night, we were asked to say why we had come to S.W.I.M. I said that I was there, even though I could hardly afford to take
a week off work, because I wanted to be with my "family" for the holidays.
Many gay people have to make their own families, and for me, it's become other Unitarian Universalists.
I remember one day that the gay youth I talked about earlier was having a cook-out on the lawn of the Unitarian Church. Coincidentally, the Church was also having a cook out that day. We had rented a canoe to paddle around the polluted body of water acr
oss the street from the church. I remember when one of the Unitarians brought their kids over and asked if we would take them out in our boat. I was astounded. I thought to myself, "You do know this is the GAY youth group, don't you?" I looked around
at our tee shirts with pink triangles and the boy-boy couples holding hands and the girl-girl couples holding hands. Yes, they know. Pretty soon ALL the Unitarians were over by us because we had much better food (someone's Mom was a caterer). And none
of them cared that we were gay. I was even more astounded. I joined the Church soon after.
I never was more proud of my Church, though, than at last year's March on Washington for Gay, Lesbian and Bi Rights. Several
of us from our Church (6) loaded up into Lee Yate's circa 1972 Volkswagen van to attend the March. We put a large pink
triangle on the back of the van. People would honk at us and wave as they passed, more and more often as we got closer to
D.C. The evening before the March I broke off from the rest of the rest of the group to attend a gay Pagan circle that was
to be held that night. When the Metro stopped at Du Pont Circle, which is a gay mecca of sorts, the crowd was wall to wall and dangerously close to the trains. Stuffed like sardines, we travelled up the escalator. If a person started to shout, waves of
cheers would wave through the station below and the crowd above becoming a deafening roar. One person wrote that he'd "never seen such a happy group of protesters in his life." (7) I got to the Pagan circle. They expected thirty or so people to show u
p. A couple of hundred attended. After the ceremony, I walked around the city with a new friend I met at the circle. We were both too keyed up on the energy to sleep. He took me to a gay Science Fiction group meeting and then we walked back to Du-Pont
. The city wa filled with an energy I can't describe. I saw gay people of every description: a preppie looking couple complete with penny loafers, chinos and polo shirts; blue collar looking people; people in the military; schoolmarm types. It struck
me how incredibly diverse we are. In an all night coffee shop, I met up with a friend from the Norfolk Church who gave us a ride back to Arlington, where the rest of my group was staying. We got there just in time for breakfast. That morning we attende
d a service at the All Souls Unitarian Church. I carried the Richmond Church banner at the beginning of the service and placed it beside others from all over the country, then squeezed into a pew. Bill Shultz, then the President of the Unitarian Univers
alist Association, spoke to an overflow crowd- people were standing outside looking through windows. The crowd rose in standing ovation so many times I lost count. Each time we had to wiggle to squeeze back into the pews. We then proceeded to convene a
t our spot for the march. This was no easy task. We looked for the yellow UU banners that we had been given to locate each other and eventually found our spot and each other. Then we waited. All day we waited. It was slow going due to the huge number
of people marching. The D.C. police estimated 1.1 million people marched. The National Park Service, according to some internal memos later intercepted, had decided not to report any more than 300,000 people marching, so a "disappointing" 300,000 is wh
at they reported. We finally got started and the President, Moderator and entire UUA board of trustees (who had suspended their business in Boston to be at the March) led a contingent of thousands of UUs from all over the country: gay and straight; young
and old; people of all colors and backgrounds. By the end of the day, I was exhausted but still exhilarated. While Lee talked about the Van's air-fuel mixture (or something like that) I thought about the day that had become the most memorable in my lif
e. I remember someone saying, "gosh, we straight people suddenly were the minority." I told them that this was what it felt like for me all the time. Except that at the March, the gay people welcomed the straight people being there. I remember the int
ense feeling of pride I felt. At least in that space, that time, we didn't have to hide who we where. We could be proud of who we were openly, and the homophobes where outnumbered 100 to 1 million. When we marched past some of them, oven though they ha
d megaphones, their messages of hate where drowned out by thousands of UUs singing "We Shall Overcome" so loud that buildings next to us seemed to vibrate.
I was so intensely proud to be a member of a church which not only accepts me, but showed up in force to prove that
"affirming the inherent worth of every person" (8) isn't just empty words.
In some other churches I would not be so welcome.
Not only are gay people not welcome, but recently we are increasingly under attack by some religious groups who have made us
their favorite targets lately. They are circulating literature and videos that attempt to portray us as evil monsters.
Their videos are strikingly similar to ones made by the KKK to vilify Blacks and the propaganda films used by the Nazis. They use that old scare tactic that, like other oppressed groups before us, we have a "secret agenda to take over the country." Our
supposed secret agenda includes: infiltrating schools to recruit young people; getting all women to "kill their children, leave their husbands, become Lesbians and practice Witchcraft" (9 and securing "special rights" for gays and lesbians. Well, as far
as recruiting in schools, I can just see it now... A booth set up with someone shouting, "sign up here to become a homosexual. Become part of that glamorous lifestyle: get disowned, beaten up and fired from your job." Kids swarming to sign up saying,
"yeah, this is great, this is something that will really piss my parents off."
The ironic thing is that most gay parents I know say that they hope that their kids turn out to be straight so they don't have to go through what they did.
And these "special rights" that we want. I keep hearing people say that we want "special rights" and that it is wrong to grant people "special rights" that other people don't have. I've never heard anyone say what these "special rights" might be. Is no
t being fired from your job or being thrown out of your apartment or losing your child simply because of who you are a "special right"? Is not getting bashed a "special right"? Is having our relationships recognized as being just as meaningful and valid
a "special right"? No, we don't want special rights, we want equal rights, just like everyone else.
Now, when I talk about people that want to curtail the rights of others- we call them the "religious right" or
"conservatives" and so on- I don't want to start sounding like I am vilifying them as a group. That would make me guilty of
doing the same thing I dislike being done to gay people. I don't believe that people hate other people categorically as a
group because they are bad people or intrinsically evil because I don't believe any one is intrinsically evil or bad. But
people sometimes do things that hurt others - because of fear. Why are gay people feared? It doesn't seem logical as what I
do, or any gay person does in their own lives as far as relationships with people of the same gender doesn't in anyway affect people out side those relationships. Or, people may try to rationalize the fear moral decal or protecting children, but when the
light of truth is shined on these rationalizations they disappear like shadows. They aren't really true at all. The root cause of this hate is the same as any other -- Fear. But why are we feared? It is almost comical now a homophobic person might ta
lk about how weak and effeminate a gay man is in one breath, but say how they are scared to death of them in the next. Reminds me of what one comic said about the debate about gays in the military; here are fighting men trained not to be afraid in comba
t situations with enemy artillery all around them, but are scared to death that some one is going to look at their PeePee in the shower. The fear is not caused by an outside source - few people have ever said they hate gays because of what any gay person
actually physically did to them, but an inner one. The source of that inner fear is something I have tried to understand for years. It has been shown that almost everyone is capable of having sexual relations or desires for the same sex and the fact th
at almost everyone has some close friendships with the same sex shows that they can have emotional attachments as well. Do these concepts make any of you uncomfortable? You see I think it is these inner feelings that are part of the fear - fear of somet
hing inside a person that sometimes can only be vented by showing hatred for the visible symbols of those feelings - openly gay people. Sometimes the greater the attraction to the same gender, the more it dwells on the mind. The greater the fear and th
e greater the hatred. Ironically often the loudest and most violent homophobes are gay themselves. The fear may also be caused in the loss of male control felt at the thought that two women can find fulfillment in each other - not needing a man. In the
ir minds it topples the hierarchy of oppression in which at male control is insured first and foremost by the male control of the "family unit".
Overcoming the fear means shedding the light of truth on the fear and facing it head on. The symbol of our faith, the
flaming chalice, is a specially meaningful to me be, because it represents symbolically this light of truth that shines to
dispel the shadows of lies and myths - it warms our hearts to be open to truth. It has been a great experience in my life to have been around people who carry that flame with them in their lives - in sharing with straight Unitarian Universalist friends,
many have told me that in exploring themselves they had acknowledged a part of themselves that is attracted either emotionally or may be physically to the same gender even though they primarily are attracted to the opposite gender. One friend told me tha
t it was this part of him that allows him to be such a close friend to me; the emotional bond he could now feel comfortable with expressing.
I have seen people who carry within them this light of truth reach out to me as a gay person. To get to know me and other gay people, to truly understand us and realize that we are not the monsters we are portrayed as being. But real people with all the
hopes and dreams as every one else. I have seen people who carry within themselves the warmth of the flame in the Unitarian
Universalists who sponsored the gay youth group - and treated us with dignity and respect. I saw the flame being carried by
the thousands of Unitarian Universalists and a million others from all over the country who marched last April. Many of whom where straight but could not see injustice and not speak out. They realized that it did concern
them because as long as any group is oppressed - no one is truly free.
And I see the flame here today in all of you who are listening to what I have to say.
I cannot force anyone to understand who I am or to stop hating people simply for who they are. But I can hold up my light - as the song says "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine" and hope it will spark others to see the truth. It is my dr
eam that eventually everyone will be brought out of the darkness and a new world will be formed. One in which no one would be judged for simply who they are. No child would be called a tomboy or sissy. A world in which men would not feel the need to co
nstantly "prove their manhood" by conforming to arbitrary standards. Women would not feel compelled to follow another set of standards. A world in which relationships would be cherished and valued for the love between the people- regardless of gender; o
r race, or religion... A world in which you would be free to love anyone you wished and same sex couples would be valued not only legally, but by parents and family and church friends and could be open and your happiness could be shared with others with
love and encouragement being received. A world in which young people would fell good about themselves and their sexuality, regardless of what direction mother nature has sent them.
When I look into the flame, sometimes I imagine this world, and hope and pray that I will someday be a part of it.
References:
1. Coming Out Within, O'Neill and Ritter, Harper Collins, New York, pg 5.
2. One Teenager in Ten, Ann Heron Ed., Pg 30., Alyson Publication, Boston.
3. Youth Out United, c/o The Unitarian Church of Norfolk (Unitarian Universalist), 732 Yarmouth Street, Norfolk VA 23510
4.Coming Out Within, Ritter and O'Neill, Harper Collins, New York, pp 7-8
5. Southern (Unitarian Universalist) Winter Institute in Miami
6. The First Unitarian Church of Richmond
7. "Journal", Steve Kadar, printed in the Richmond (Unitarian Universalist) Young Adult Network Times.
8. Unitarian Universalist Association Principles, adopted 1986.
9. This appeared in a letter appealing for contributions sent out by Pat Robertson.
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