The Radical

For years, I had heard stories about the Faeries. The first from a straight Unitarian friend who had taken the church youth group to a pro choice rally. Amongst the fray of people yelling at each other was this group of Faeries who had dressed themselves up, Dana Carvey style, as church ladies and called themselves "Church Ladies for Choice", singing songs such as "This Womb is My Womb" from their "Book of Hers". Soon after this, I was to become very involved with the "respectable" side of gay politics: working for a gay newspaper, on a dozen committees, involved with the local Unitarian Church. When we planned our events, our marches, our vigils, we would dread that some one entirely too freaky would show up. We would have our ties straightened and statements ready for the press, who walked right past us and started snapping pictures of the person with a huge beard in a nun's habit and large pink sunglasses. Cringe. Lord no, no, please don't let them be on the news tonight. These were the Faeries. You always know which group at a Pride march are the Faeries, they stand out in any crowd. The irony of all our self-righteous desire to hide them away was that it was a bunch of drag queens who had sparked the modern gay rights movement into its current explosion of activity back at the now mythical Stonewall Riots of 1969. I suppose it is a further irony that the man now considered the grandfather of the modern gay rights movement was also instrumental in calling together the Faeries.

In 1950, Harry Hay started what they believed to be the first gay rights group ever in existence, the Mattachine Society, named after a group of Renaissance French clerics whose annual festivals satirised the church. Mr. Hay is a genuinely warm and funny individual. The first time I met Mr. Hay, I remarked that I didn't know whether to bow or curtsey, to which he responded, "perhaps we should both curtsey" and he grabbed my hand and we both curtseyed and laughed. He told me that the original Mattachine Society served both social and political functions and related to me that at the dances they organised, one partner would wear a hanky in his pocket so they would know who should lead. He also related how paranoid they were in the early days, arranging it so people only knew a few others in the organisation's structure so that they could not be coerced into revealing the entire leadership structure. Mr. Hay was quite an unconventional man back in the day, and I guess he still is now. A member of the communist party and a devotee of avant-garde acting, he was perhaps the only person at that time to have the chutzpah to pull off forming such a group. As it happens with many groups, those brave enough to actually start the group are pushed out when the group expands and wishes to portray a more main stream appearance. He still remained a driving force in the gay rights movement, pushing the limits further than the original members of the Mattachine Society would have dared. In an interview with Harry Hay entitled, "The Night That Harry Hay Kissed Me", J. O'Neil remarks:

His lifelong commitment to moving beyond the restraints of hetero-dominated, capitalistic systems led to his formation of the Radical Faeries in the 1970's, a group where gay men could exalt in their gay spirituality, sexuality, and brotherhood. In the outrageous dress, manner, and philosophy of the Faeries, Harry Hay was creating a group even closer to the spirit of the 15th-century Mattachines than the original Mattachine Society had been. (O'Neil, webpage)

Harry made a call to gay men in the early 1970's to gather together for spiritual healing. I had the opportunity to talk with one of the Grand Old Divas of the Radical Faeries who attended some of the first gatherings to ask how it all got started. "Bee" (short for Byron) is a stately visage whose aspect was that of an Elder of the Faerie tribe. Bee has spent his life in the Theatre, which was readily apparent in his articulated speech and gestures. When I met with Bee, he was frocked in a maroon (or deep plum, we couldn't decide) negligee, a rose quartz necklace, lavender sandals, hand-knit hat, "very cheap" clip-on earrings and he carried a white, somewhat tattered, parasol. I asked how and why the faeries first formed. Bee responded:

By the late 70's Harry saw a need for gay men to come into their "Faerie reality" as he knew it. Shedding the frog skin and becoming the prince. Harry put out a call to Gay Men who felt a need inside themselves to explore Radical Faerie being. His point was a family, male-female unit, always recognises by 6 or 7 a gay child. They know. In the generation that Harry and I grew up in, they knew, "Oh God, we've got one of those" and his point was he looked forward to a time in which there would be a complete reversal, it would be a special thing, "Oh my, we have one of those!" -a blessing. Around about 20 years ago that idea Harry initiated, and in that 20 years I can see so much evidence - here, there and in the Universe that it is coming into being. People are coming to accept the idea of having a special child and being grateful rather than being ashamed. Harry called the first Gathering in 1970 in New Mexico and during the next year he went around to conferences and put out a call to join them in Pike National Forest. Harry came to Norfolk [Virginia] to speak and he invited any Gay Men there who were interested to join them. It was 5 days and there were about 350 gay men there, most from the States, but also international and that is where I met the Faeries for the first time. (personal interview)

My Encounter with the Faeries, Part I

After hearing so much about the Faeries, I got my chance to actually meet some in the fall of 1997 when I set out to attend a Radical Faerie gathering with a group from my college. Short Mountain Sanctuary was our destination: a small community out in the middle of no where. We got lost several times trying to find the place, eventually having to ask a local inhabitant where it was located. "You huntin' for them Hippies?" he asked, "well, I calls them Hippies, is that who y'alls looking for?" The driver of the car was reluctant to blurt out yes, even though he knew full well that the "hippies" was perhaps one of the nicer things that locals might refer to the inhabitants of Short Mountain.

We found our way there eventually, sighting clues along the way that indicated the whereabouts of the Secret Faerie Domain, the small sign what simply read "sodom" with an arrow pointing right was an important clue. When we arrived, it was already dark. We walked up a long drive in pitch blackness, amazed both at our ability to see the Milky Way and our stupidity for forgetting anything resembling a flashlight. We knew we were headed in the right direction when we heard the beating of drums in the distance, the primal yelling of those drumming and dancing and the glow of a bonfire in the distance. As we approached, we could hear the bleating of goats and smell the compost piles in the garden. One of the Faeries came out of what was obviously not a prefabricated structure and greeted us, the first thing he asked is if we wanted anything to eat. We took this as a good sign.

Soon, we were fed and my companions and I found ourselves drawn to the rhythmic beating of the drums. We hovered near the back to observe what might be happening. The drummers displayed stamina that I have only previously witnessed at Native gatherings, and indeed some of them had sore blistered hands the next day. Men of all ages were around the fire, some sitting, some smoking, some dancing. Some that danced wore skirts, some blue jeans, some nothing at all. There were wimmin there too, and some of them also were dancing skyclad.

Who are these Faerie Folk anyway?

From both my search for information regarding Faeries and from my first encounter with them, the first thing I learned about defining Faeries is that you will get many different answers to inquiries about what defines a faerie, much like asking a Hindu about a particular Goddess. Some common themes, however, do emerge. Faeries are mostly gay men, although there are exceptions. A flyer for an upcoming gathering invites "women, men, children, faeries of all colors shapes and sizes." According to Bee, Harry thought that events should be for gay men only. There was some debate about this. According to one faerie I spoke with in a telephone interview, all but two gatherings are male only events. Another aspect of faerie culture is its emphasis on being non hierarchical. One faerie states on his web page that, "Being radically (at the root) decentralist and anti-authoritarian, we have no leaders. Each Faerie is divine and speaks for himself." (Cain)

Faeries seem to have a focus on country life and getting back to nature. The most popular Faerie publication, RFD (the letters mean something different each month), is subtitled (sometimes) "A Country Journal for Queer Folk". Most faeries profess a concern for Mother Nature and the environment. Every source I encountered discussed faerie spirituality. A survey respondent wrote:

Many of us like digging in the ground and pro-creating in a different format. I love planting seeds and watching things grow. Having grown up in the sticks, I bought a house in the distant 'burbs to get away from the noise and the stink of the city. I have a large yard with fruit trees, roses and handfuls of 'grandma flowers' - zinnias, irises, nasturtiums, daisies, bachelor's buttons, four o'clocks -- I work in it each weekends from Equinox in the Spring to Solstice in the Winter. Being in touch with the cycle of life and seasons is a defining trait. (Personal correspondence)

Another faerie writes on his web page: "As faeries, we recognise ourselves as part of the balance of nature. Our part in nature is exhilarating, awesome and humbling. We know that when we lose a part of nature's sacred theatre to the ravages of Men, we have lost a part of ourselves. Faeries therefore are cautious, caring stewards of country space. We are one with nature, with her variety and timeliness." (gogoBoy, website)

The site of the faerie gathering I attended was definitely rustic. Goats wandered around, the toilets were compost toilets, and the water for bathing was collected rain water heated by a fire. The gathering places, the sanctuaries, were definitely considered "holy ground" by those who attended. The site of Short Mountain Sanctuary was sacred to Native Americans in the past.

Not all the faeries at the gathering were organic farmers, however, some were from large cities who took pilgrimages to sanctuaries on holiday. Although the members of the gathering would perhaps not make a distinction, one could tell those who were still participating in mainstream, perhaps even corporate, environments and those who had set themselves apart from mainstream society and lived either at sanctuaries, travelled from place to place or purchased land of their own. Some of those who had their own land may not be seen too often at gatherings, but rather keep in touch with faeries via magazines like RFD. Some of those in mainstream life may choose to be in a profession that allows greater freedom of expression, such as the performing arts. For those with jobs in more conservative businesses, the gatherings provided a place to "be yourself", for a time at least. A faerie who was talking to me while getting his hair dyed purple said that he would have to shave it off before returning to work. For a few days, at least, his usually white hair would be purple.

Outlandish dress seems to be part of the faerie culture. The sanctuary I visited had a section of a barn that was set aside as the "Goat Boutique", containing a multitude of fabulous frocks. It looked perhaps as if one had taken the ladies section of a thrift store and crammed it into a barn. When I asked Bee about the flamboyant attire, he responded:

I think that many or most Gay Men like to play dress up in mommy's closet. Sometimes it is tolerated, encouraged, sometimes it is not appropriate. For me, that was the thing I enjoyed. When I was 11 or 12 I was nearly caught doing it. I knew it would not be approved. Got upstairs and put everything back into her closet and just made it downstairs when she came in the house. It wasn't until 1980 and saw Faeries wearing these WON-der-ful things: gender-fuck drag [see picture], complete drag, just wearing pretty things, and colours- sari's and scarves." (personal interview)

"Gender fuck drag" is not the same thing that one would see at a club during a drag show. The emphasis is not as much to look exactly like a woman, but rather to look, well, outrageous. One of my survey respondents described gender-fuck this way:

Genderfuck is something we did for shock value in the late 70s when I was in college. We had costume parties but some of us found 'statements' we liked - like wearing plastic Mardis Gras beads on campus [me] or a plain blue housedress over camouflage pants and combat boots with a pink plastic flamingo sticking out of a backpack [the Artist formerly known as Wayne-da]. Questioning sex and gender roles, "pushing the envelope" of the ruling paradigm. Some of us never gave up that idea. For many faeries, the ability to take a length of fabric and twist it up into a fabuloso ballgown is an ability to challenge the paradigm, redefine the meaning of clothing, and 'color outside the lines' in a fashion statement. (personal interview)

One of the evening meals at Short Mountain had the theme of "mid air disaster" and the people serving food that night dressed up as "flight attendants from hell" who had gone so far as to have "acquired" several items from an aeroplane, including: life vests, oxygen masks, seat buckles and stewardess pins. The "flight attendants" threw peanuts at "passengers", made people pass through a "metal detector" (some people had to be strip searched) and got stuck in the inflatable life vests. Chaos ensued when the "plane" was hijacked by terrorists. The flight attendants matched a description of "gender fuck" found in an interview by Tom Kwai Lam for his upcoming book, in which one faerie says,

"it's about just being fucked, you were just freshly fucked, you're makeup's a little off and you're trying to pull it together and you look fabulous - the hair's a little messy and you're trying to wheeze back into your clothes, so it's this kind of nasty, sexy, not the good girl next door, it's the girl who's sort of got the heart of gold but lives on the wrong side of the tracks who'll fuck the whole football team but you like her, anyway." (Kwai, 1996)

If nothing else, the outlandish attire of many faeries makes them quite visible. Every person I have ever spoken to concerning the Stonewall anniversary march in New York mentions the faerie "Judy Garland funeral procession" the night before.

As one might imagine, this outrageous, flamboyant mode of dress is a point of concern for more mainstream gay organisations. One of the people I spoke with mentioned how they upset "those HRC types". (HRC- Human Rights Campaign, a gay rights lobbying group in Washington, D.C.) A faerie who attends a small liberal arts college in the South related to me that he felt out of place at a gay students conference around the "guys in white pressed polo shirts who are trying to portray 'you see, I am just like you, I just like to suck dick'". He felt that they were taken aback by his use of words like "sweetie" and his use of more physical contact. Even though they might upset "HRC types", many faeries believe that they have a role to play in the greater gay society. John Burnside, Harry Hay's lover of many years, said in an interview:

To me, the gay world, generally, are gay people who have potentials which they are slow to realize, and therefore remain safely within hetero conventions, these seem safe because they're universal, and a great deal of life is lost by people who are unable to free themselves sufficiently to move into their own way. But I think the Faeries are the people who have gone the furthest among the gay people towards independence and freedom, to create a life which has its own inner beauty and inner harmony, because the Faeries (the Faeries I know), many of them, live lives of their own choosing as far as possible, you know? (Kwai, 1996)

Another faerie saw that they had another role to play: that of the "court jester". One faerie noted that at the Stonewall march in New York, "we were the clowns, we were the ones that people enjoyed." He contrasted this to a march in San Diego and lamented that there were, "no clowns, there was nothing for children; I want to see our gay parades be something for children, or the children in grownups ... so, yeah, Faeries have a great role to play, they may even be the spirituality of the gay community." In a sense, the faeries could be seen in the same way that the galli and berdache were seen in times past: as shamans of sorts, both ridiculed and feared. (Connor, 1996) Many, like Burnside, see faeries in the role of healers and the gatherings as a place of healing for the gay community, and perhaps the world. Bee felt strongly about this, telling me that he hopes that faeries could be "the harbingers of the new age, the new millennium - the age of community, the age of co-operation." (personal interview)

Spirituality definitely plays an important role in faerie culture. Many faeries claim an affinity for pagan religions, although I must say that the faerie rituals I have seen are radically different than most pagan rituals I have attended. The emphasis seems to be one of healing. Gay men in particular seem to need to spend time healing themselves after living in a world that condemns their form of love. From observation, faerie circles seem to be flamboyant, spontaneous and very theatrical. Another important part of faerie gatherings is the drumming circle It is a time in which people are encouraged to let loose and dance ecstatically around the bonfire, usually unclothed.

People at faerie gatherings seem to be comfortable with the nude body. Photos of gatherings in RFD show many people running around buck ass nekkid. Part of the healing that faeries try to transmit is more healthy and comfortable self body image and attitudes toward sexuality in general. Faerie gatherings are a place where men can be openly affectionate with one another without fear of condemnation. I got a feeling, however, that the sexual freedom extended beyond the idea of being able to express male-male sexuality. From personal experience, I know that the gay dating scene can be a vicious one. You get the feeling that people are seen as sexual objects and there is a whole hierarchy of sexual attractiveness based on age, look, etc. Mr. Burnside speaks of this situation in his interview, noticing "how often people make objects of one another. When you make an object of somebody, you just don't connect." (Kwai, 1996)

Faerie spirituality and views on sexuality were two things that I thought I needed to explore beyond my first encounter and what I had read from various sources, so I planned to attend the Short Mountain Sanctuary Beltane Bash.

A Second Trip to Sodom: My Encounter With the Faeries Part II

The second trip to Short Mountain looked like it wasn't going to be possible at all. Hours before our scheduled departure, the person that was to take me and another student from my college cancelled on us, leaving us without a way to get to the gathering. Determined to make the gathering, we put out the word that we needed a ride to Short Mountain. The next day, I received a telephone message from someone I did not know who said I could ride with him to the gathering. Word had gotten to him that I needed a ride, and he said he would be glad to take me along with a friend of his. We got a late start that night, what with all the packing needed for a weekend trip, and got on the road at some unholy hour and arrived at Short Mountain in time for breakfast.

I found my fellow Wilsonite, who could identify me from behind by a strand of my slightly unusually colored hair and screamed my name, excited that I had made it. He had come up that morning, taking the last seat in some one else's car, which make him feel slightly guilty - a holdover from thousands of years of Jewish guilt he would say. I recognised some of the faces from the last gathering, and several of the people remembered me. The morning circle takes place sometime after breakfast on the largest quilt I have ever seen. The quilt was in the process of being repaired this gathering, and the outer layer of colorful fabric had been removed. When enough of the Faeries had gathered, the group let out a loud yell of "Yoo-Hoooo!" together to let the rest know that the circle was starting soon. The circle was lead this morning by a Jewish man who attended a Unitarian Universalist seminary in Berkley and now performed Jazz under the persona of "Trinity". The circle consisted mostly of a check in and announcements. It did not have the structure that I was accustomed to in Unitarian and Pagan circles.

I spent the afternoon asleep in a hammock in the sunlight. I awoke in time for dinner. Dinner that night had the theme of "punk rockers" and I later found out was planned by many of the same people who put on the "mid air disaster" that I witnessed at the last gathering. It seemed that perhaps as much effort went into the outlandish punk outfits as went into dinner. An impromptu punk band, which had practised that afternoon, played for us. The singer screamed unintelligibly into the microphone, while the "bouncer" guarded the stage and other "band members" verbally harassed the "audience". As with "mid air disaster", the dinner was chaotic and some people actually managed to get fed. After the chaos at dinner, people drifted off and several made their way later to a large bonfire that had been lit. Drummers kept the rhythm going while several people danced around the bonfire. As it can get quite hot near a bonfire, several people danced without clothing. As with other events at the Faerie Gathering, nothing had been planned in advance and the bonfire dancing had no set form. Some people would come from the sauna area to sit by the fire or to dance. The circle somehow degenerated into what could only be described as "drumming circle karioke". Try to imagine 80's disco tunes belted out with drum accompaniment. As I had set my tent near the fire, so it was little use to try to sleep until the bonfire revellers had called it a night. Some time later, my fellow Wilsonite slithered into the tent and we slept until awoken by cocks crowing in the morning.

At breakfast the next morning, I set out with my notebook and camera to start my work. At breakfast, a group of Faeries gave me several whimsical answers to my questions. I, for my part, played the part of "student doing research." When asked what might set Faeries apart from other gay men, I was given a barrage of answers from around the table: more orgasms, no strobe lights, more facial hair, less clothing, less lycra, more lycra, examines things other than sex, gender exploration, self analysis, global awareness (to which some one retorted "so we drive our cars thousands of miles to get here?), carpooling, planting the seed of transformation, interaction, and story telling. I asked if anything was considered taboo by Faeries and I was told that having an agenda, violence, cruelty and stuff were about all they could say. At this point some one told a "twisted story about Clinton" (that I did not record for some reason.) I was told that faeries examine ecology, which was quickly retorted by the statement that "some just wanna get laid." I was told that rhine stones were sacred and that they have to be fake unless everyone can afford them. Some one else informed me that in straight society you "find the leader and beat him up" and in faerie society you, "find the leader's G-spot." Some faerie deities include: Charro, Isis, Astarte, Diana, Linda Carter, Ivanna Trump, the ghost of Carl Sagan, the ghost of Judy Garland and banana nut muffins. I was also shown the "secret faerie handshake", which I was able to record, but I was not told the "secret plans."

Later, in the ride home to Asheville, Hal, the driver, explained to me that while the remarks made were irreverent, facetious and perhaps even flippant, they were exactly what a faerie should have answered. I played along and diligently recorded their words in my role as a junior anthropologist.

That afternoon, I had a more serious interview with one of the residents of Short Mountain, Sister Missionary P. DeLight. Mish is what I would call an elder of the tribe, someone who has lived on the sanctuary for some time, and also works on the journal RFD. I asked him questions mostly about the RFD magazine. We conducted the interview in the small RFD office, which contains lots of paper work, artwork on the walls and two Macintosh computers that are powered by solar power, batteries or a fossil fuel generator if needed.

Mish: We took over RFD with issue #55, fall of 88. I saw RFD being born in Iowa City, but did not work on it then. Then it moved to Wolf Creek Oregon, and then North Carolina for 10 years and it moved here fall of 1988. I have been production manager during the Short Mountain years.

MD: What would you say is the general "flavor" of the magazine?

Mish: It has always been "A Country Journal for Gay Men Everywhere", conceived of as a Mother Earth News for fags. In the early years, though, Mother Earth wouldn't take our ads. That has changed now.

MD: Would you call RFD a journal for Radical Faeries?

Mish: RFD is more than just a printed organ for the faeries. It bespeaks a rich rural emphasis, but half of our subscribers live in cities. RFD became a different acronym each issue. [He gets an old piece of paper out that has some of them listed.] The first was "rustic faerie dreams", the current one is "rural fags deconstruct". [He reads off more...] "Religious fanatics descend; repairing familiar disfunctions - about dysfunctional families... Not all subscribers are faeries, but because faeries produce the magazine and most contributors are faeries, there is a lot of faerie input, but we see ourselves as a more diverse lot.

MD: I asked about conflicts between faeries and the gay community at large.

Mish: Certainly there is a strain of anarchism in faerie culture that can produce conflicts with those who are assimalists or main stream in world order views. But I would like to think that faeries would celebrate the diversity. I would hope we could co exist with these desperate groups. We have to if the planet is to survive.

MD: What is most important to you about this community?

Mish: The magazine is my primary work focus. The important thing is that this is an alternative community. An alternative to the one most people are raised in. I feel a resurgence in communal living, encouraged by the growth of queer and faerie communities. Also, the communal communities have reached out to us. There is a large faerie presence at rainbow gatherings.

MD: How might living in the community conflict with "real world" pressures to get a job, and so forth?

Mish: Some of us that live here don "straight world drag". Not all of us can afford to live here without jobs. I work with developmentally disabled people. Some of us are carpenters. I discourage visitors from going into Woodbury [a nearby small town] in their faerie frocks. Skills we as queer people learn to use when we need to: we learn how to pass, that's one of the skills we fags learn. I am one for wanting to get liberated, but I err on the side of caution. I don't want to deal with the repercussions of straight red necks.

MD: How do you handle making decisions:

Mish: Things are organised here, decisions are made mostly by consensus. Everyone has the right to speak and be heard. Once a week, we [the full time residents] have a family meeting to figure out what needs to be done and who can do it. We have a resident community of 15-18 people. When we were 3-4 people, people were pressured, it seems, into doing something they didn't want to. So now [with more people] people get to do more of what they want to do.

MD: How do the residents feel about having so many people invade their space during the gatherings?

Mish: Sometimes it can be a strain. Three hundred people in a ten day period. When I look at a list of registrations now afterward, I recognise a quarter of the names. It used to be only 75. Some residents feel like they are hiding out during gatherings. There has been an interest in having some smaller, more intense gatherings.

MD: Does the consensus process work?

Mish: Yes, it is a much slower process. In earlier years, when there was 4 or 5 residents, there was an interest in getting rid of the goats. We could not get consensus on it. It took us years to get the fences. None of the plans were adopted until we got one that would work for everyone. It took a particular person to come up with a plan that we could all live with.

By this time, too many people were running in and out of the RFD office to make it feasible to try to continue much longer. I thanked Sister Missionary P DeLight for his time, and went off in search of more faeries to interview. I found another elder of the tribe (Gabby) sitting with a young faerie (Noah). I wanted to ask him about the faerie ideas about spirituality. One of the things I wanted to discover on this trip was more about the faerie spirituality that I had read so much about, but didn't think I had seen concrete examples of in the gathering so far. Gabby offered insight into faerie spirituality:

Gabby: You can approach spirituality in a way we do this circle or this meditation... Structured times and events are valid. But they are not as valid as living your life in a spiritual way. Not to say "this point in time we are going to be spiritual." Rather, to make everything you do a spiritual experience.

MD: How?

Gabby: Look around you. People cooking, cleaning, talking... It is the way this place is put together. No structure to all of it. Provide a non-competitive, supportive space where there is little of "this is what I need to do." Provide a space to let people think about what they want to do.

Noah: This place is different. I am not here to impress anyone. Gay men are so judgmental- with internalised oppression and sarcastic cynicism. In a bar, I feel like a sex object. I just want to be something other than some one to fuck.

Gabby: That is the idea of creating a sanctuary. A gay and lesbian space where people can find a safe place to explore themselves. It's all spiritual, all of it: the partying, playing, doing all the drugs. They are all tools. There is no right way, all that matters is that you are going in the right direction.

I got a better sense of the concepts that Gabby was telling me with the next person with whom I spoke. Jombe is a quiet person with quite a lot of flair- which is saying a great deal considering the group we had there! Jombe lives in one of the most interesting dwellings I have ever seen. It is like a little round hut that you would imagine seeing in a fairy tale and has been described as looking like a "mongolian yurt". Jombe has lived at Short Mountain for 5 years. I made note of the fact that he remembers the exact date he arrived: the 28^th of April. I asked him what made this place special to him:

Jombe: Aside form the beauty of the place, it would be how people are encouraged to be the best kind of person you can be, you don't have to have your armor on all the time. A lot of what this place is about is accepting of one's self and other people, whoever they are. As human beings, we live in a dysfunctional physical space. It is special to be in a space that feels less restrictive, unless you are violent- leave your trash at home. When I came here, this place inspired me. I didn't know I could live like this. I have been inspired - particularly as an artist.

I talked with Jombe some more, but stopped taking notes. It was good to spend some time just interacting with a person without having to take short hand. After we parted, I went down to the bathhouse to see some of the art that Jombe had created. Some one described his art as looking sort of like Picaso, but I really rather think it looks like Jombe.

Near the bathhouse, two men were engaged in the very serious practice of painting each other's bodies in mud. It is funny, but I think that Noah's point is well taken about the sexual atmosphere of the "gay scene". Oddly enough, even with many people running around back ass nekkid during the day or around the bonfire, the atmosphere felt less sexually charged than in say a bar in which everyone is fully clothed. The mud painters seemed to convey a more playful, less competitive display of intimacy versus pure lust. It is perhaps difficult to describe in words just the feeling that one got from watching everyone play together.

The big event for the Beltane Gathering was the erection of the Maypole on the 1^st day of May. The costume s worn that day were incredible, somewhat like Mardi Gras costumes. Many people were also skyclad. The Maypole itself was a freshly cut tree about 50 feet high. I am not sure if I have ever seen or even heard of a Maypole of this size being used. It was quite a feat getting the thing into a 5 foot deep hole in the ground. During the dancing and drumming that followed, many seemed to be in an ecstatic state. The dancing and drumming went on all day, even through heavy rains, and continued into the night. Thomas Morton would have been proud.

Return to Sodom: Third encounter.

I returned to Short Mountain Sanctuary (SMS) with yet another student from Warren Wilson, for the Fall Gathering of 1998. We started later than we planned. I thought I had a good grasp of the route, however, unknown to me when we started, I had missed a crucial turn when taking down directions. We travelled around for quite a while, with me apologising constantly and the driver remaining calm throughout. We finally called his voicemail and replayed the directions and I discovered my mistake. Soon we were on the right track. We passed one of many dirt roads along the highway and my memory clicked. Here! I don't know how I remembered the one road to take. There was the "sodom" sign. We had made it.

We arrived around 1 am. It was pitch black as we carried our gear the rest of the way up the mountain to the site. From the moment we got out of the car, we could hear drums in the distance. We passed the fire circle on the way to the camping area. A good sized fire was going, surrounded by stones. Logs served as benches around the fire circle in 3 rings. There were about 40 people around the fire, mostly men. About 5 people drummed, many sat around the fire and several were dancing around the fire. The majority of the dancers are nude, several others shirtless. A few couples (male-male) were kissing. One couple was sorta "getting busy" right there in front of the fire. I was concerned that my companion would find this a bit disturbing, but he did not seem to mind. I recall one person, a white male wearing grey sweater and jeans, asking some one else, "I wanted to ride a different airplane tonight and was wondering if there were any tickets left?"

Oddly enough, my concerns over how my friend, who had never been to a Faerie gathering would take all this craziness were misplaced. He seemed to fit in quickly whereas I, who had been to several gatherings, seemed much more apprehensive. To a certain extent, I used my role of "junior anthropologist" to find a way of feeling more comfortable. I found that I could talk to people under the pretext of doing research. The next morning, after a surprisingly good sleep and the first time I had managed to not put my tent on top of some huge root or stone, I set out with my notebook, tape recorder (which I never got to work) and clutching the expensive school digital camera that I was terrified would get damaged somehow.

Junior Anthropologist sets out to work.

Breakfast consisted of French Toast served in a large kitchen. While music played, two men and a woman hold each other and sway. At a table in a nearby enclosed porch, a man paints the fingernails of Noah, 21 year old upper class neurotic jewish boy from New York. The sun is out and the temperature pleasant, about 75. Several people sit on the deck outside eating breakfast. The group is certainly eclectic: Gabby, a white male in his 60's with grey hair and beard wears African design loose trousers and a blue silk shirt. A white female in her 50's wears a tie-dyed skirt, black shirt, grey sweater. White female, in her 20's: dreadlocks, nose ring, black and grey sweatshirt. Tim a white male of 22, has on multi-colored skirt and blue "blue-collar" shirt, wool cap. Noah, camouflage pants, earth toned sweater.

A white male in his 20's wearing black pants, green cotton sweater, with a nose ring dances in the kitchen. Noah joins in the dancing followed by the white female with the nose ring.

At the table in the covered porch, we eat our breakfast. I take interest in the conversation of a man wearing a grey sweater, who talks about the death of a member of the IDA community (a nearby commune started by people who became interested in the area because of SMS) who burnt himself to death. He comments on how this has effected the community. It was first listed as a murder by the police, which was reported by CNN. While moving to IDA, his mother saw the news on CNN and became quite concerned as she knew that this was where her son was going to live. The announcement flier about the event noted this incident, reporting that "Earth, a friend who lived at the IDA community for a year and a half, was found burned to death in a cave at IDA in March, apparently a suicide."

Noah removes his sweater and is now wearing a tee shirt over thermal underwear. A woman is slow dancing with Tim.

The man in the grey sweater continues to talk about the IDA community. He tells a story of how the IDA community did not want him to bring a pet sparrow: He found the sparrow while "cruising a park." The bird hopped on his shoulder. Some one noted to him, "hey dude, you have a bird on your shoulder". He walked out of the park into the city. When he got into the car, the bird got in with him and perched on the steering wheel, moving around as he steered. The bird came with him into his flat. The bird would sleep on his bedpost and when he woke up, the bird would fly to his pillow. When talking on the phone with the people at IDA, they told him that the consensus of the group was that they didn't want a captive animal there. He told the bird this, and went to call again, as they had been discussing the matter further. When he returned to the bird, it was dead.

Two people have left the dancing, and another person, Christopher Robbin, hetero white male, 20's, jeans and a tie-dyed shirt, has joined in the dancing. I had a complete and total crush on Christopher Robbin the first moment I saw him at a gathering a year or so ago. What luck that I would develop a crush on one of the few straight men there. I had always kept my distance from him, in fear of saying something really embarrassing, but would have my first real extended conversation with him later as I interviewed him. I am not sure it helped matters any. The man in the grey sweater talks to the man painting fingernails about his joining the SMS community. "You're here now, you have a box."

Some people live here at Short Mountain year round. They do a great deal of work to prepare for the gatherings. Life here must be tough. There are no regular toilets, just compost out houses. There is no electricity running to the top of the mountain, they make do with solar cells and batteries which run the Macs that produce RFD, a faerie magazine, and a bulb or two. There is no water service up here. All the water for cooking, bathing, etc. is collected rain water. I am not sure I could do it. I need daily showers to feel human and the compost toilets scare me.

The man with the fingernail paint is named "Kokoe". He is a new resident at the community and was expressing that he was adjusting to feeling that he was truly a resident.

"I always wanted to live here. But I wasn't ready. I was stressed out at work and that led to physical problems. The neurologist couldn't fix them. Some one from here that is a dead friend of mine offered me sanctuary. I knew I could have sanctuary here. My job was good, but it messed me up inside. I like art because you have a vision of how it will turn out. It's simple, but also complicated."

MD: Do you think of this as a religious community?

Kokoe: Sometime I do, sometimes I don't. When I was telling people I was going here, they assumed that it was a religious community. It isn't a condition: it isn't that you have to have a certain religious outlook. My idea is you have an openness to different spiritual ideas. So it is a spiritual place, but I wouldn't call it a religious place.

MD: You mentioned this being a "sanctuary" what does that mean to you?

Kokoe: A place of refuge for people, a place of protection for nature.

Later in the morning, I drifted towards the bathhouse to brush my teeth. I had actually remembered a toothbrush this time.

A young man takes a shower in cold water that has been collected from rainwater in an open outside shower which is covered with purple flowers. This is his third gathering, last time he stayed a month after the gathering ended. Inside the bathhouse, a man with a shaved head massaged a man on a massage table. A statue of the Buddha covered with flowers looked down. Men are brushing their teeth and otherwise grooming. One man shares some herbal facial cream with another man. Outside, an elderly white male with long hair and a beard does yoga exercises.

The Faerie Circle

A bell is rung to indicate that the circle will be starting sometime thereafter. The circles take place on a large quilt that is a little ways from the fire circle. A large maypole that was erected in May stands nearby, covered in ribbons. A man near the embers of last evening's fire starts to drum. Some people lounge in nearby hammocks.

A man notes, "there was lots of action going on last night, must have been the acid." Some one else takes out a small pipe and smokes. Gabby goes to get a chair for Louise, a matronly woman perhaps in her 60's. She is wearing purple sweat pants and a sweater. She has a bag of yarn and is knitting. Someone else smokes from the pipe. About 15 people are gathered on the quilt now. Stevie, a resident of SMS, white male in his 40's with long hair, beard and glasses, blue-green skirt and pastel shirt and waistcoat, gives me a registration form to fill out. The form asks for address, name, faerie name, and suggests donations for length of stay and also notes, "no one turned away for lack of funds".

Stevie notes: "I think it is time for our first of many 'yoo-hoos'. The 15 people gathered shout, "yoooooo-hoooooo". This shout, which can be heard for quite a distance, indicates to others that the circle will be starting. Usually this is done 3 or 4 times with 5-10 minute intervals in between.

A man in red thermal underwear takes pictures of a man's penis which is decorated with a wreath of yellow flowers.

Several minutes pass and some one suggests it is time for another "yoo-hoo". We yoo-hoo. Some one suggests it is time for a corporate, "ahem". Everyone "ahem"s loudly. About 35 people have gathered now. Three are nude, 2 in boxers, 2 in dresses, most others in casual attire. The third "yoo-hoo" and about 45 people are here now. Stevie asks for a moment of silence to focus. After some silence, the group starts a low "ohm". Chickens can be heard in the background and a rooster crows. Stevie picks three cards from a tarot deck. The first card is the Princess of Discs. "The card of the day," he announces, "stability and abundance." A second card is displayed. "The spirit of the day, the Prince of Cups, love and spirit of community." The last card picked was The Star.

Stevie tells us it is time for announcements.

Noah says he is going to have an ark tonight for dinner (dinners often have themes, the theme for the last evening's meal was "Martha Stewart" in which 7 people serving food dressed as Martha.) and that instead of two by two, everyone should come in groups of three. Some one announced that a "shake and bake" dance will be held to raise money for insulation. Some one else has lost a strand of pearls and another person describes a bracelet they have found. Stevie announces that everyone should fill out a registration form to be on the list.

I make an announcement about my taking notes for a college project and indicate that I would like to talk to some people and taking pictures and to tell me if you do not wish to be photographed. When I mentioned that the study would possibly become part of a Harvard project, I got the impression from some of the reactions that some were particularly unimpressed by the idea of a Harvard study. I became a bit tense, wondered if I belonged here. Would they see through me down to the tie wearing committee member past? Could a year of blue hair erase all those years in a tie? I thought these things, but I kept them to myself.

Louise asks that people who owe a former member of the community money should give it to her so that she might forward it to him. A member of the community explains that there has been a drought and thus there is a shortage of water for bathing, etc. Cypras is looking for help with making lunch. Ning-nong thanks the dinner servers (the Martha Stewarts) from last night. (Several people hiss. Hissing is what Faeries do instead of clapping.) A young man with three stars tattooed on his penis (don't ask why I noticed this... I have a picture, but think I will spare you) announced that a group of Asheville faeries would be having a Halloween party. I made sure to get his number so that I could attend, which I did with my Wilsonite friend and another member of the gathering... but that is another tale...

At this point in the circle, a "wand" (tacky toy wand) is passed around as a talking stick. Each person in the circle is given the chance to hold the wand and talk to the rest of us. Such a simple premise. The sharing that followed lasted for several hours. The intensity of the circle is hard for me to describe. Rather, what follows is an account of what many of the people in the circle said. It was the most intense circle I had ever attended. Perhaps it was partly because I was particularly focused as I recorded in my own illegible short hand what was being said. Even as I wrote, I felt a particular pang of guilt and anxiety. Was this proper to record this most private of moments? But this time, this sharing comes the closest to showing you the heart, the core of what these people have been talking about. I had great pictures of the circle and the people at this gathering. All these were deleted in a single mouseclick. Oh the wonders of modern electronics. So, instead I ask that when you read this section you try to put yourself there, in the circle.

Sister Clair, who wears a large "Guinan" hat and sunglasses, talks about enjoying the gathering. "People who tend this land do so with such dedicated stewardship."

Man in orange shirt and yellow trousers talks about finding his "soul-sister" who is "a big buddha of a woman" who told him "'if you don't come with joy, don't you come to my table.' Joy is had work, it isn't just drumming circles - honoring your rhythms and your space and the space of others." He talked of creating a sanctuary. (Some one starts singing, "I've got joy, joy, joy, down in my heart...)

Ashe is leaving tomorrow and has to process things when he gets home, integrating faerie experiences into life.

Someone else notes, "I have nothing too profound to say, I go through life every day the same way, happy and horny."

Ariel made a deal with St. Brigit. He talks about a breakup just before the last gathering. "Slept with a boy last night and sorta disrespected him because my heart was not in it." Brigit says he should have eight arms, seven doing for others and should not sleep with anybody unless his heart is in it.

A woman says that she was leery about being in this space. In some places, only some people are welcome. She was made to feel welcome in this space.

Dommy-Boo is looking for a ride to Asheville, New Orleans, or maybe San Francisco. "Maybe I will get laid and some new shoes on the way." He is feeling more comfortable dealing with the sexual energy.

We stopped for a moment to look at a rainbow. It is ridiculously warm for October, and some people start to shed clothing. As the circle progresses, Louise continues to knit and Dane blows bubbles. Several people are giving some one else a massage. Tim hugs Gabby.

Jan says it is his first gathering, and people laugh. "I used to live here. I wonder where the residents who give up so much get their energy. From the mountain?" He has a sense of too many people being here, and should be alone. He sings, "blessed are, and blessed be, those who dance together..."

Christopher Robbin, who speaks for the trees spoke next. He helped to start a community near Short Mountain. "I am grateful that the sanctuary is here. Living in community is challenging, the residents give a lot. Think about that. Share your heart and gratitude with them. I am leaving Sun Valley next year. Things are calling me out in the world. I have a lot of sadness. I have given myself to this grand experiment of community: building a cabin in the woods, living close to the earth. But I have a yearning to go out into the world, I have come to peace with it. I'll be heading west. Don't know exactly where, maybe California. Would like to connect with faeries there. I have lots of serendipity about the trip, but I know Spirit is calling me."

Kosha has taken a Faerie name, but hasn't had a naming ceremony yet. People start to chant his name, "Kosha.... Kosha.... Kosha....", the naming ceremony has been performed. Weeder reads the back of Kosha's shirt, "You don't have to fuck people over to survive."

Donny is happy about the support he gets from his family, the faeries. "People are real supportive, they have supported me spiritually. The mountain has given me lots of gifts. It is a good place to meet people. I feel like a little boy here."

Jesse tells us that Jesse is his given name, but was never called that by his family. He is taking it as a faerie name to "reclaim what I was given at birth. Society has taken away what I am. My mother named me, but my father related Jesse with the UK usage of sissy. Thinking of what I was given and accepting what I was given and giving to others. When I first met the Faeries, I wanted to give, I wanted to take, to get what I can, running around like crazy. It is just what you are, what you do along the way. Now I have a sense of calm. I brought art here that I wouldn't want to sell to the general public. [Community] takes a lot of energy, so many people to give love to, so much cooking and cleaning."

Steve talks about the wonderful time he had at the fire, and a sense of family and lots of love. He talked about a dancer that came over and danced for him. He has decided to take on a Faerie name - Wonder. (People start to chant his name.)

Dane (Wonder's wife) wanted to quote a reading he lives by. "To strive solely for some future goal is shallow, for it is the sides of the mountain that sustain life, not the top."

Russell says he is lost, and is trying to find himself. "I live in a big city. I am in a period of my life when passion burns brightly within me. I am trying to wash the ashes off of my heart. This is my first gathering. I don't know any of you, but I would like to meet you all."

"It is so hard to sit and talk at circle. I think I am going to ramble. Look around the circle and there are these magical people who care. I live in New York City. I am this warrior person, I can fight for other people and I am this kick ass white faerie dude in Harlem. When I fight for me... I can't navigate for me I freak out think I am closing myself... Everyone is so beautiful, what am I going to do to fuck it up? Part of me wants to bloom in their hand, part of me wants to be a warrior. Story of riding. I see Santa dressed as a pimp. A man takes them on a boat trip across God's brain. Santa turns this girl into a fairy and she studies with this witch, who doesn't like the Santa guy. The fairy takes people into her body, and takes bad things out of them into her body. She becomes ugly because of all the bad things she is taking into herself. Another prostitute fairy takes her to a volcano which takes away all the ugliness. Short Mountain is that volcano."

The next man to hold the wand and looks at it. "This thing is scary because it means I have to talk. I wanted to share something that happened three weeks ago. I got beat up on 22^nd Street in Manhattan. I lost the sense of self for being beat up - it took two people. After four hours in the police station, at home my lover was cold in bed, not supportive. I had gotten beaten up protecting him. We internalize lots of shit and do it with distance from each other. Help me to be more open."

Evergreen: "Last people spoke about where I am. I had difficulty three months ago walking home. Even though I was coming here. I don't care about my job, I was hoping to find some of my lost emotion. I find it easy to cry, but it means nothing. My thoughts and emotions are separate. I come here and get love for the first time in six months.... It is almost harder... I was crying and I don't know why. I don't want to die. I want to sit by the tree and have it take it all. But that would be death to me.

Silvan is grateful today, and feels as wonderful as he could. "I am grateful to the sun, this spot on Earth, the mountain and all of you people. I go to all sorts of gatherings that aren't Faerie gatherings. We as Faeries have something that [others] don't: love and sense of compassion."

Geffin brought his friends from Atlanta. "I just moved there. I am getting chomped on by a big city. I woke up with this realisation that I am not totally having fun. This is my third gathering. I am celebrating my 21^st birthday tomorrow. This is my second birthday on the mountain. In the Mayan calendar, I am entering the death year and have to do a lot of surrender and release. I have done a lot of that. I don't have a car, feel like I have released a lot. I don't have freedom to do. The highway around Atlanta seals you off. I live inside a medieval city wall, can't get out of city. This year was the most struggle to get here. 'Got to get to the mountain.' Now that I am here, it is like, 'and?' It's not the people, it is myself. I am not in tune. I spent so much time to get here. I work in this coffee shop where I am going to be a manager. I don't have time to give to the mountain. I help make that deck last fall, in the spring, I just gave to myself. I feel like karmically I am paying for that: not getting because I am not giving. I saw in charcoal writing on a stone some one had written, 'love earth'. I feel a lot of cycles in life coming to completion. Things in my past I need to get rid of as I start my adult life that starts tomorrow. People like my energy. I hate this, 'I love your energy, I want to fuck you.' I fell in love for the first time. I threw myself into that. Thought everything for the rest of my life would be perfect. He needed my energy and my life. When he broke up with me a week and a half later... I thought true love would last longer... he had the same reason for breaking up. He thinks I'm too intense, the same thing that attracted him to me. I am a candle, moths get attracted to me and burn up. Talking about it helps make it better. Circle, it seems to last all day. (Some one yells, 'and you made it happen' the circle laughs.) This is where my heart is. My life is elsewhere, my heart is here.

The next person stares at the wand for a while. "What voice, abundance in this vessel. At 10 tonight I will be 51. I feel like a kid. People ask me, 'do you have insurance?' Am I a failure? I don't need the things of this world. I praise being alive."

"You are the best fucking audience anyone could have. Something about being here brings out the super star in everyone. So many venues, everyone gets to show they are a super star. Putting clothespins on some one at the kink party, the no-talent show... You can make whatever life you want in whatever place you want." We shout his faerie name, Macco.

It is Ning-nong's turn to speak. He talks of his travels. "I have collected a lot of super spectacular people, and when I came here, my collection tripled! For some one like me who is a bit of a freak - people look at me - to be here and have people get into my whole fucked up thing. To take that character and spin it around and maybe get turned on by the fucked up things in my head."

A young man looks at a piece of paper. "I had this whole prepared thing. First time for me, blah, blah, blah. Sounds so cheesy, trite. How am I going to take it home? I have been getting really stoned and making a top ten list of cutest boys at Short Mountain." (Kasha yells, "Read it!") He looks at Kasha and says, "He just knows he is on there. I am going back to Philly. That seems gross. Orchid, top on the list, I am going up to visit. Makes it seem bearable." He invites people to come visit in Philadelphia. "When I first got here, I met this boy, but he's not the thing for me. But he knew Evergreen and he is the thing for me, he's right on." He thanks Josh for "teaching me that a smelly man isn't necessarily a bad thing." We laugh. He holds up "the list". "And to the sexy boys." Some one yells out, "who's on it?" and then some one else yells, "we're all on it." To which the wand holder dead pans, "In your own little way." He talks about his dislike of the "club scene". "'Hey baby, can I buy you a beer, how big's your cock?'" Noah yells, "How big is your cock?" I think he shows him, but I didn't write that down so I could be mistaken.

Thumper notes that he has a big apartment in Philly, to which some one comments, "competition". He talks of sun filled, breeze filled moments on the quilt and the laziness. "It's so lovely."

Pony didn't have anything to say, "but I had a long time to think about it. Bette Midler says 'I love to be in love'. I am in love with all of you." He expressed appreciation to Ravel and Pete for help with the Stone House. (Which I never did get to see, I looked for it, but could never find it.) "The simplest things can take so many years. It relates to other things in life." He talked about the importance of checking in with each other and communicating with each other in an intense situation.

Stevie said he enjoyed serving people last night (at the Martha Stewart dinner. How I wish we hadn't gotten lost and could have made that.) "Nothing profound today. I haven't showered much. I rubbed my pubic area and it smelled like mushrooms. So if any of you can't do mushrooms and would like that experience..." This evoked much laughter from the group.

Osha told us that, "life can be a bitter drought, but the alternative is starvation. Life is bugging me with money and bills and feeling non-participatory. Handed out endless bowls of (I can't read my writing, it could be "marshmallows" or "mushrooms", I am not sure.) at the tea party. Did some dishes, stitched the quilt. I am so thankful, I feel attached to the quilt."

Elbow woke up this morning and saw four deer. He is heading back to "our little sanctuary in Philly. It's a big transition. I have heart surgery in January and I am very, very, very frightened." He cries and two people hold him. "I am so overwhelmed by how much love I am feeling from so many people. It is so completely essential to my life to be here. Any thoughts about preparing myself for surgery? I am so much less frightened since I got here. I'll see you in the Spring with my big sexy new scar."

Dane grabs the wand. "All things mellow in the mind." Dane blows some bubbles. He has been blowing bubbles throughout the entire circle which seems to have lasted forever. Bubbles are sort of Dane's trade mark, he is always blowing bubbles. Dane has been struggling with being HIV+. "Bubbles are the way I pray." We watch Dane blow more bubbles. "I like to play dress up. I am blessed, I am thankful for having Nathan in my life. I am amazed by your attention in the circle." Indeed, the circle has now gone on for quite some time. Some people come and go, but for the most part, people have remained very attentive throughout the circle. Perhaps it is because I am taking notes, but this seems to be the most intense morning (now afternoon) circles I have witnessed at a gathering at Short Mountain. "Last night I performed without the mask of makeup and a helmet of hair. I'll never get to be as old as you guys." Dane points at some of the elders of the circle. "I am addicted to you. The joy, the drag, your breath. Apply lyrics to every love song ever written here." Another pause for some bubbles. "I came across a herd of deer. Some went one way, some went another. Two just looked at me and just said, 'He's ok'. I went to Halloween Ridge and looked at the stones" (This is where stones are placed to remember the dead. Some ashes of Faeries have been placed there.) "and I thought about my stone."

I couldn't hear the next person, the roosters were too loud to hear. Some one noted that they were trying to get off Prozac because it seriously interferes with your acid.

Bee "feels blessed on my 71^st birthday. I am glad you are all here."

Cherine wanted to say, "thank you for pushing my boundaries on affection. I thought I was affectionate till I got here!" Some one yells, "wait till the spring!" "Affection is not limited to people I am deeply in love with. And second, nakedness doesn't have to be sexual. This mountain goes down a lot further than we realise, and reaches out farther."

For Buttercup, the last three months have been challenging. "I have been a nomad. The way I make my way in the world is I make pot brownies and walk around in character as Dorothy. I made a choice to start taking AZT and made a choice to be alive." He pauses for a moment and takes a deep breathe and shouts. "I feel so fucking happy to be alive." Some one suggests protease brownies.

John tells us that his spiritual name is, "Gentle Wall of Fire. If you see me walking around and it looks like I am busy, it is an act. I am thankful for the people here and the people here that make it happen. I love the female energy that feels so comfortable here." (Some Faerie Sanctuaries are strictly male only.) "Forget about all your 'stuff' and just be together. I am glad all the women feel so comfortable here.

A young man holds the wand for a while. "My name is Flood. I am so busy trying to be one with an experience that I don't process it. When I realise I am processing, I am scared to do it. Circle is so special, everyone is so honest. It inspires me to be honest. Growing up, the youngest, I always got what they wanted. It came at a cost. I assumed that what I did was what they wanted. Going to college, is wasn't right for me. I went through a nervous breakdown. I came to a realisation I wasn't being the me that I felt I was. Being stressful to people I love very much - they are all so terrified, left school and joined a [Zen Buddhist] monastery. Just be myself, that is good enough. I am leading an ascetic life. Coming here it is the opposite: indulging and being excessive, that I'm not getting at the Zen Center. I took a porno and masturbated in a sacred space in the Zen Center and it felt wonderful. Being excessive here is just as valid as meditating looking at a wall. People are beautiful in all situations, people are beautiful." He clutches the wand in his hand. "I want the strength in this wand to be able to come up to up to the person I want to connect to."

It is well past lunch now. The people that were preparing lunch have brought out bread to the circle and have cut it. People start to quietly get bread and pass it around. I think to myself if this is what it was like at the mythical sermons of Jesus the Nazarene when the people were fed. Perhaps the writers of the Bible got it all wrong in trying to make it out to be some big miracle, the magic was in being fed and taken care of, not that more food magically appeared, I would think.

The next person with the wand has been playing a nose flute. He tells us it is a Hawaiian nose flute. "You can lie with your mouth, but not with your nose. It has the magic of attracting some one that is 180° of what you need. This gathering has been very a very accepting gathering for me.

A woman that holds the wand next seems to be from the group of women from Atlanta, I think. She is thankful that women are welcome here.

The Widow Ingstram speaks next. He moved to Minneapolis the 3^rd year of his widowhood, he tells us. "I thought things would ease up. Richer grief, richer pain, richer hurt. I have to decide to live." He talks about a friend with breast cancer and leaving the house he and his husband had lived in for 24 years. "I haven't been dating. I tell myself I am ready to date. I have no fears, it has all happened to me, what else could happen?" He reads a poem about his childhood, adolescence and his first lover. "Every touch electric..." I can do no justice to it, and could not write it down fast enough to get it all. I asked him to send me a copy, I hope that he will. "Being queer has nothing to do with who we fuck."

Coy said, "My heart is open as the sky is today. Every time you get horny it is a prayer to a god that is here on Earth. So, pray! I am thinking of different generation that are here, and trust. I left a camera in the barn and it was still there when I returned."

Sean, certainly the most clean cut and "preppy" looking of the group, spoke next. "I spent three years in the Army. I appreciate giving to the Freedom to be here. I salute you, and I am proud to be here with the brothers." I really expected him to salute everyone at that point. He was definitely standing with a military "at ease" stance and his tone was that of an officer talking to a group. I could tell that the group, rather than offended by this, found it extremely "cute". Perhaps this was because Sean is extremely cute, who knows. "I appreciate the diversity and the freedom to share this diversity with our society."

Nichole told us that "the best gift that I got was something that you all gave me: being able to feel safe with so many men. When I was walking at night alone here, I felt an absence of fear." She is very excited and tells us she feels like a balloon about to pop. "I am crazy mad about you guys!" After the laughter dies down she tells us that she has been thinking about death, and rather than death options, she wants to "think about your life options. I don't wanna die yet, there is too many people I want to kiss."

Some one else talks about what "an outrageously good time I had serving you all (at the Martha Stewart dinner)" and that he found doing drag a liberating experience "being the little boy I wasn't allowed to be."

The circle finally was over and people began to drift off to various activities. One of note was the auction officiated by Sister Mish. All sorts of interesting items were sold to help fund the Sanctuary. Two cute guys served as models for clothing, not bothering with a changing area but rather stripping nude and changing as part of the performance. I conjecture it only served to inflate the bids for items of clothing. Sister Mish and her assistants were all fabulously frocked. I got some great pictures of them, yes, among those deleted. You are probably tired of hearing me complain about this fact. As upset as I was about losing them, I have come to feel that the experience is perhaps a Buddhist lesson in non-attachment. I drifted away from the auction and set about doing some of the interviews I had planned. During the circle, I thought of those people with whom I wanted to talk that afternoon and asked some of them if I could talk with them later.

Christopher Robbin.

I caught up with Christopher in the late afternoon. I had been wanting to talk to him because he was leaving soon and this would be perhaps my last chance to talk to him. It had nothing to do with the hopeless crush. OK, maybe it had a little. To be honest, I was nervous as hell to talk to him. We sat on a grassy slope in the sunlight. It is perhaps for the best that the picture I took of Christopher Robbin was erased, he is one of the most beautiful people that I have ever met. Perhaps the scanned image would have not been enough, for he had an inner beauty that you wouldn't see. A peaceful calm surrounded him and his smile penetrates even into my hardened heart. But I wasn't about to let any of these thoughts shatter the shroud of anthropological integrity that I had wrapped myself into. Christopher Robbin lives at Sun Valley, another community that is not too far from Short Mountain.

CR: Sun Valley began three or four years ago as an idea of three of us. We wanted to get back to the land and live more simply. So we came up here and looked for land and we found the land we have now with the idea of creating an intentional community. Living simply. Living sustainably. Making decisions using consensus. Big into permaculture.

MD: Were you raised with any particular religious upbringing?

CR: Not really. Early in life, we went to various Christian Churches, but my parents were not really into religion. Really was no religious stuff.

MD: What brought you here?

CR: I came here because the Sanctuary was here. Crazy Bear said if he were to leave Pensicola, it would be near Short Mountain. I loved the Sanctuary and wanted to live a very similar lifestyle. We didn't have to reinvent everything, we had people here to help us. Goats, people and social life of being in the country.

MD: What got you involved with Short Mountain?

CR: I came to my first gathering in fall of ninety......five. I fell in love with the place.

MD: Why?

CR: The land itself, the people, the energy present here created by the people, the love, the freedom of self expression, the play, the love of the earth. I really identify with that, that of more of who I am than the mainstream world is. I am not gay, but I am pretty queer!

MD: How so?

CR: Very little shocks me any more. It was a little challenging at first, a little frightening. I just hung out with it, I didn't run away. I could see the beauty and how real the energy is. For me, it is like being in a big play land where we are all children.

MD: I asked him about the "real world" he was about to re-enter.

CR: Serious, rational world... you grow up, get a job and have responsibility. Through the Faeries I became secure enough to know that's not me and that child-like, not childish, is so precious and special. I do have my own serious side. Working on developing a balance. Off in the world to make a difference, to make the world a more loving place.

MD: I asked about the religious aspect of the faeries. (Really, I should take more care to write down what I say better, but I figure you won't know the difference if I make up what I said later. Oops, I wasn't supposed to let you know I do that...)

CR: I wouldn't use the context of religion, I would call it spiritual in that people's spirits are touched here. Every person's spirituality is different. Mine is centred around my heart.

MD: Why do you feel called to leave this place?

CR: Spirit is calling, I have a yearning to go exploring. A yearning to be in a space only reserved for self. I want to develop... develop isn't the right word.. I want to explore my passion and ways I express my passions. Two big expressions of mine are writing and dancing... really important: space... If we are to survive as a species, people need a safe place to experiment with who they are, who they context with their heart, a place of real joy. There aren't too many places like that, where that is the theme. This place is being used to raise the consciousness of all mankind. Everyone who comes here is affected on some way, in moving closer to their own heart and who they are and then people leave and go back to homes and have an effect on the people around them. It is a place of real empowerment. People feel more empowered to be themselves and so many of us had unhealthy childhood's or issues to deal with as adults that have to do with what we had to deal with as children. Here we are able to be free and let ourselves feel and be like we were as children and heal some of those wounds.

MD: And get laid.

CR: [Laughing] The sexual energies here are very intense. Sex is wonderful. The world takes sex way too seriously... negatively... dirty, don't teach our kids about it. Here sex is a joyful thing, much more spaciousness, more love and acceptance around sex. Also, a lot of our wounds have to do with sex. Sexual experiences for homosexuals, the world calls homosexuality evil, wrong and here people can experience it as something very beautiful and natural. Helps people feel good about themselves, to love themselves... one big way it helps the world, people love themselves here and go out into the world and love others.

I have this idea in my head that it would make an interesting story to see what would happen when Christopher Robin has to leave the hundred acre woods and go out into the world. My cynical mind has all sorts of horrid scenarios conjured up, like him having to sell the hundred acre woods and they turn it into condos. I think of Short Mountain's Christopher Robbin going out into the world and the world trying to tear him to shreds. The world doesn't seem to treat gentle souls like him too well, nailing them to trees and such. But I can't imagine even the most hard of hearts not being effected by him. After our formal interview session, I let my junior anthropologist shield down and admitted I was terrified to talk to him because of this hopeless crush I had on him. It is hard for me to relate to you what we said. I took no notes, and what he said bypassed the brain altogether and struck directly at the heart. All I can say is I felt much better after we talked.

Andrew

Andrew is having a much more difficult time healing the wounds. We started talking about Andrew's religious upbringing, which was Baptist, which he said he was involved in "under duress", his mother told him "we were going, so we went." Later in High School, I joined a religious group called "G.O.D.". I realised that Jesus didn't do anything I couldn't do, so why the hell am I worshipping him?

MD: Did you avoid religion then?

Andrew: I became and still am non religious and anti religious. But I am extremely spiritual. Andrew says that he had a problem with the Christian Church because he had "always seen deity as female, an all-powerful mother."

Andrew is still struggling with sexual issues. He says he has never had sex with a man, but would like to, but "I am afraid to, can't explain it consciously. I can bring myself into a sexual situation with a man, but some part of my psyche cannot be aroused."

Jeremy

I was incomplete... but I didn't allow myself to think about it, for years and years. When I was 19, I was a dancer in college and in a dance piece with four other guys. During rehearsal, a female friend asked me to ask one of the other guys if he would be her date for a sorority dance. He laughed, "doesn't she know I am gay?" You are? I very quickly found out the other guys were gay too. I thought, "either I am gay too or the odd person out." I had never thought about it before, so I realised it was necessary to think about it. So I asked my friend, "how do I know if I am gay." "Walk around and look at people and see who turns you on." I walked around for two weeks, I found out I really liked staring at men better than women. So I will say I am bi for now and see what happens. At the point I realised that I was irrevocably not straight, I quickly thought I need to figure out what it meant as far as my religion. I decided, with sorrow, that I could not be gay and mormon. Being mormon is an option, being gay isn't. Mormon lost.

MD: So, it had to be one or the other?

Jeremy: Church does too. If you have sexual activities outside marriage, they kick you out. I abandoned it altogether, didn't give it a lot of thought for a long time. I heard about a gay spiritual movement and the Radical Faeries and MCC. The more I heard, the more I thought about options and places to explore.

MD: Did you give much thought about joining an MCC church?

Jeremy: A little bit. In California I used to watch MCC on television on Sunday mornings. It was fabulous, I needed that. I was still going to Mormon church, but it never really resonated with me.

MD: How did you find out about the Faeries?

Jeremy: I first heard about the Faeries when watching a documentary about being gay in the South. It had a little tiny clip of a gay man romping around the woods in a wig. Then it talked about Short Mountain. "Wow, that's cool, some day I'd like to go there!" In reading books and articles, I heard more and more. Fabulous thing the internet, lots of faeries on the internet.

MD: What is it that you like about the Faeries?

Jeremy: For me, the Faerie movement pays the most attention to the movement originating from gay men, we are its origin, although we do borrow from other traditions. Other things like MCC start out from something else, just make an exception. Gay affirming congregations are exceptions.

MD: What do you find spiritual about the Faeries?

Jeremy: The people and the interactions. Magical energy unfolds. Everyone knows the right thing to say. All spontaneous. The magic of the land is most important part of the Sanctuary- a magical node of energy is in the mountain. Ten of cups. I am an urban Faerie. I love the land and live in the city and intend to live in the city.

The sun was rapidly descending and I decided I wanted to find some way to bathe before it got too cold to do so. Frigid showers and the compost toilets are probably the two things I would have the hardest time with if I lived on the mountain for any length of time. The water supply for the bathhouse showers was long gone. I knew there was a stream down a path that led down one side of the mountain. I managed to round up the supplies I would need and set out. Along the way, I passed the memorial stones and thought of what Dane had said about his stone. The decent to the creek was a rather steep one. I made it to the bottom of decent and found the place I was looking for: a small waterfall that emptied into a small pond of sorts. By small, I really mean small, you had to lean over to get your head under the waterfall and the pond was about six inches deep. I braced myself for the cold water and stuck my head under the flow of water. I was glad that no one was about. Even in this open atmosphere, where so many people ran around buck-ass nekkid, I was still very shy about such things. I thought of one friend's declaration that "all men are created equal in cold water."

In this time alone, I was able to ponder all that I had heard that day. I am still trying to piece it all together in my mind. Some one asked me back at Warren Wilson if I was a Faerie. I think I just stared at them blankly. I am not sure if I can call myself a Faerie. I could claim an attempt at objective detachment, but that would be bullshit. There are certain parts of the Faerie world that I find very appealing, some parts I find very frightening. I feel more comfortable at my Unitarian Universalist gatherings where I have a definitive role to play and many opportunities to engage in intellectual fencing matches and deep discussions. Logic is comfortable. Standing there naked and shivering, I realised that the nudity at this place had a deeper symbolism. This place has a way of stripping you bare and holding up a mirror to your heart. Could I stand to look? Too much freedom can be a horrible thing to some people. Structure. A stone building can more comforting than a tree if it is cold and raining outside.

Some would say that the Sanctuary provides a place for group therapy, to work through issues. Some might say that it is a place that you can go to avoid the responsibilities of the world. I heard these voices in my head. When I heard people say, "I might stay for a while after the gathering," or "I might head out west..." these voices asked, "how can you live like that?" I know that my thoughts have been shaped by this world we live in that stress jobs, schedules, responsibility. After being kicked out of my home and having to fend for myself, I was in fear of being homeless. I actually was homeless for a couple of months. I wasn't living on the streets. I stayed at the Y, crashed in a meeting room of Unitarian Church or a friend's floor. Starhawk recalls in Truth or Dare that after being imprisoned after a protest she awoke from a nightmare in which she heard a voice which told her that they no longer needed to put her into jail because now the jail was in her mind. This attachment leads to fear, and "fear leads to hate and hate leads to suffering".

This suffering isn't particular to gay people, but the trap produces such an intensely strong cognitive dissonance between the structure of the world and the path to their own life fulfilment that we usually have no choice but to deal with it. In his book, Connor speaks of the connection between the gender variant shamans of the pagan past and modern gay people. Part of the ritual for pagan initiations is a ritual death in which a new person emerges. "Coming Out" is a ritual process in which a new person emerges, if they survive. Often, an initiate would take a new name. Faerie names are very important part of the Faerie ritual. Have you ever noticed that a good many gay men prefer to be called by their middle names? You have to find some one that knew me before I came out to hear me being called by my first name. There are about 5 living people I will allow to refer to me by it.

Coming out is an intensely spiritual experience. When you realise you are gay, you have two choices: try to conform yourself to the world view you have been given, which is an extremely and constantly painful process for the rest of your life, or you can realise that the mirror of the world that has been held in front of you is an illusion. This isn't a "Santa isn't real" realisation, this is a biggie. The mirror shatters and falls to the ground in shards and you stand there shaken and shattered looking at the shards. Some may try to piece those shards back together in some semblance of its original image, leaving out the bits that they don't care for. But others, standing staring in amazement of the world they see, step over the shards, not looking back and venture into the world their eyes wide open. They have been changed, they have been initiated, they are the new shamans. And the circle turns again.

We are an old people, we are a new people, we are the same people, different than before.

© 1998 K. Mark Demma All rights reserved.