October 11 is National Coming Out Day. Now, for those of you on campus that haven't figured it out yet, I am gay. Actually, I've been called "queer as a football bat." Coming Out Day is usually fairly anticlimactic for me because I am generally "out" to everyone I know. I thought for this C.O.D. I would share with the WWC community what it means to come out of the closet. Admittedly this is a biased opinion, but it is also the perspective of someone who has gone through the experience himself and helped others to get through it.

Just what does "coming out" mean? It is an abbreviated form of the expression "coming out of the closet" which is a euphemism for the very hard process of accepting, revealing, and then finally feeling pride in the fact that your sexual feelings are different than what society has labeled "normal". It is indeed a process. It is something that can take years. In fact, you can be doing it all your life because many people tend to assume that you are straight unless you inform them otherwise. (What? The pink triangle tee-shirt, freedom rings, red ribbon and rainbow flag weren't enough? I think I hear the clue phone ringing and you need to answer it.)

The first person you come out to is yourself. One of the great lies that has been perpetuated in our society is that people choose to be gay. I've always wondered how any thinking person could actually believe this. Yes, one day you wake up and decide that your life isn't complicated enough. You jump up and exclaim, "Why don't I become a member of an oppressed minority! Hey, that sounds like fun. Now I have the possibility of being disowned, being fired from my job, losing my children, losing my friends, not being able to serve in the military, and not being able to get married to the person I love." The simple fact is that people do not choose to be gay, lesbian, or bi. If you have doubts as to this fact, you can either read the data that are available or simply talk to people who have had to struggle with coming out. In many years of hearing coming out stories, I've never found a person who said they chose to be gay, but rather that they discovered who they were. Some people know from a very early age that they are different. I have a friend that insists that just after being born he uttered, "I don't want to ever go back into one of those things again." Others may live in denial for a good part of their lives. I have another friend who didn't come out until she was past 50.

Once you've faced the inner turmoil and finally come to accept who you are, the next difficult step is to decide if you are going to let others know your true self. This can be painful and costly. You can lose friends. You can lose your job. You can lose your family, as I did. You can find yourself suddenly all alone. The slogan "gay is good" can have a hollow ring when you are young and you are struggling with your identity and are faced with the prospect of being all alone in the world. You might not be able to imagine gay being "good" while feeling shame and guilt instead of pride about your feelings. It takes lots of energy to hide your feelings and it can be costly. Many people turn to self destructive behaviours in an attempt to numb themselves against these feelings. Ironically, some people become very homophobic as a way of coping.

Working this hard to conceal your thoughts and feelings is what's called "being in the closet". It can be a painful and lonely place to be, even if you stay in there to survive. Some people would prefer to end their own lives rather than face a world of hatred. When I hear people spouting homophobia I think of the time a frightened 17 year-old called the support line that I was working. His father had made an offhand remark about how much he hated fags and would rather his children be dead than gay. While he related this to me, he was loading his father's revolver. His father almost got his wish. .

It is because of incidents like this that we have Coming Out Day. It is a time that we can let those still in the closet know that they are not alone. It is a time we can show the straight world who we really are as opposed to the stereotypes that are perpetuated in our society. It is a time to let people know that homophobia and intolerance cannot be tolerated. And it is a time you can be proud of who you are and show it. It is also a time that you can learn more about what it is like to be lesbian, gay or bisexual. You may learn that some of the stereotypes you may have learned are false. (For instance, I have no fashion sense.) I invite people to talk to someone wearing a rainbow ribbon on Coming Out Day to find out more by hearing their own story.